I have issues. OK,
before the jokes start, we all have ‘issues’ but back to my point, I’ve been
struggling with one of those issues lately.
I have always been a timid person.
While I’m not shy by any sense of the imagination, I’ve always been
reserved in my interactions with other people because I am so overly sensitive
that I might offend someone. Or that
they may get upset with me and get angry at something I may have said or
done. Being this is a major part of my
personality, it made me an easy target for bullies in my younger days.
Fast forward to adulthood and I realized I needed to
change. I’ve taken a number of classes
and read numerous books on things like Conflict Management. I think one of the best things I ever did was
taking a personality test that focused on how you react in conflict. This was incredibly valuable as it taught me
not only how I act, but also how all the major personality types interact with
each other in conflict. I’ve always
tried to remember what I learned and also try to continue my ‘training’ if you
will because it’s a never ending struggle.
I think what tends to complicate things for me is that I’m
also somewhat of a perfectionist. This
tends to magnify my issue in my work life.
I far too easily take it personally when something fails, or doesn’t
perform to the level I expected or promised, even when it’s completely out of
my control. The struggle is I know I
have this issue. I recognize when it
happens, but it can be really difficult to suppress the emotions that well
up. It’s like a light switch that can
easily turn on, but be stubborn to turn off.
Those that know me know I have a son with Autism. Watching him grow from a child into an adult
with Autism has taught me a lot about how Autistic people process change and
challenges. It’s also caused me to look
internally and wonder if it’s something I had but was never diagnosed. There have been a number times where I’ve
watched my son do something that is very common for an Autistic person and
realized that I do that thing, or it was something I did as a child. This was particularly true when my son was
younger. I would see him struggle with
an issue and see his reaction and realize, I acted the same way as a
child. The difference was, back then it
was that I was ‘being naughty’, or just needed to ‘grow up and move on’. The problem is, it’s much easier said than
done.
Fast forward again to today, or more appropriately
yesterday, and I realize I still have a long way to go. Things unraveled and I didn’t react
appropriately, at least in my opinion. It really kind of threw off my entire night. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been told “you
need to not take it personally”. The
funny thing is, I know this! So why is
it such a struggle? It’s one of the
areas of my life that I truly do not like.
I have friends that do not care what others think of them. I can’t even fathom having that ability, but
there are times I really wish I had that same ability. But alas, that’s not me. So where do I go from here? What do I do?
I guess I will continue to work at.
Continue to learn, continue to apply what I’ve learned.
I recall when my son was young, he loved the TV Show Blue’s
Clues. There was one particular episode
that stood out to my wife and I because it was so applicable to our son. The episode was about dealing with emotions
and the host Steve gave the suggestion that when we get angry we need to “Stop,
breathe, and think”. Seems simple and
even a bit childish, but I think it’s actually very good advice! So this morning, while still a little out of
sorts over the issue I’ve been dealing with I stopped, breathed, and
thought. I’m making a choice to remember
that I did my best and my intentions were pure and I need to move on and let it
go.
