I have issues

I have issues.  OK, before the jokes start, we all have ‘issues’ but back to my point, I’ve been struggling with one of those issues lately.  I have always been a timid person.  While I’m not shy by any sense of the imagination, I’ve always been reserved in my interactions with other people because I am so overly sensitive that I might offend someone.  Or that they may get upset with me and get angry at something I may have said or done.  Being this is a major part of my personality, it made me an easy target for bullies in my younger days.

Fast forward to adulthood and I realized I needed to change.  I’ve taken a number of classes and read numerous books on things like Conflict Management.  I think one of the best things I ever did was taking a personality test that focused on how you react in conflict.  This was incredibly valuable as it taught me not only how I act, but also how all the major personality types interact with each other in conflict.  I’ve always tried to remember what I learned and also try to continue my ‘training’ if you will because it’s a never ending struggle. 

I think what tends to complicate things for me is that I’m also somewhat of a perfectionist.  This tends to magnify my issue in my work life.  I far too easily take it personally when something fails, or doesn’t perform to the level I expected or promised, even when it’s completely out of my control.  The struggle is I know I have this issue.  I recognize when it happens, but it can be really difficult to suppress the emotions that well up.  It’s like a light switch that can easily turn on, but be stubborn to turn off. 

Those that know me know I have a son with Autism.  Watching him grow from a child into an adult with Autism has taught me a lot about how Autistic people process change and challenges.  It’s also caused me to look internally and wonder if it’s something I had but was never diagnosed.  There have been a number times where I’ve watched my son do something that is very common for an Autistic person and realized that I do that thing, or it was something I did as a child.  This was particularly true when my son was younger.  I would see him struggle with an issue and see his reaction and realize, I acted the same way as a child.  The difference was, back then it was that I was ‘being naughty’, or just needed to ‘grow up and move on’.  The problem is, it’s much easier said than done. 

Fast forward again to today, or more appropriately yesterday, and I realize I still have a long way to go.  Things unraveled and I didn’t react appropriately, at least in my opinion.  It really kind of threw off my entire night.  I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been told “you need to not take it personally”.  The funny thing is, I know this!  So why is it such a struggle?  It’s one of the areas of my life that I truly do not like.  I have friends that do not care what others think of them.  I can’t even fathom having that ability, but there are times I really wish I had that same ability.  But alas, that’s not me.  So where do I go from here?  What do I do?  I guess I will continue to work at.  Continue to learn, continue to apply what I’ve learned. 

I recall when my son was young, he loved the TV Show Blue’s Clues.  There was one particular episode that stood out to my wife and I because it was so applicable to our son.  The episode was about dealing with emotions and the host Steve gave the suggestion that when we get angry we need to “Stop, breathe, and think”.  Seems simple and even a bit childish, but I think it’s actually very good advice!  So this morning, while still a little out of sorts over the issue I’ve been dealing with I stopped, breathed, and thought.  I’m making a choice to remember that I did my best and my intentions were pure and I need to move on and let it go.

Yes, we have a problem in this Country.

We have a problem.  We have a very serious problem in this country, and it’s not guns.  Guns were far easier to obtain 50 years ago, but there were relatively no mass murders then.  So what changed?  It’s not the guns.  Guns have remained fairly consistent over the last 50 years.  What has changed is the heart of man.  (Please note I reference “man” as in “mankind” or “humankind”.)

We as a people no longer value life.  We no longer look to help others.  We, not only as a nation, but the world, have become self-absorbed.  Just yesterday I was at a restaurant with my wife and daughter.  A group of three young people came in and were seated next to us.  Within a few minutes I noticed that all three of them were buried in their phones.  Completely oblivious to those around them, including those at their own table.  A solid five minutes went by and they never looked up.  How sad is that?  How do you truly engage with someone when you never actually talk to them?  There is no substitute for verbal communication.  Texting doesn’t cut it.

The advance of technology is great in some areas, such as in the medical field, but I am very concerned about the future of man with the way he’s becoming self-absorbed and narcissistic.  About two weeks ago, a man flying an airplane had engine problems and landed his plane in the water off a beach.  There were dozens of people on the beach, and what did they do?  Did they run/swim out to help the man?  No.  They all stood there and took video with their phones.  NOT ONE PERSON went out to help.  Not one. 

Or like the incident last year where a person was having an issue on a subway.  No one helped, or even offered to help.  They just took video. 

Once upon a time, we cared for one another.  We looked outwardly and thought of others before ourselves.  This is no longer the case.  Oh sure, there are a select few that still do, but they are far outnumbered. 

We have a heart problem.  We no longer care for our neighbors.  I’ve heard it said “You gotta look out for number 1!”  Man I hate that saying.  No, you gotta look out for those that can’t look out for themselves.  You gotta look out for those that are less fortunate.  Until we start caring more about others than we do for ourselves, this problem will not go away.  England banned gun’s years ago and they have a serious knife problem now.  It’s to the point where some in the English government want to put tracking devices on knives!  It’s not the weapon people, it’s the heart!!!

We need to make a change, but it’s not another law made by man that can make that change.  Jesus said; “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” John 13:34. Until we love one another, nothing will change.

The world as I am seeing it...

One of the frustrating things of writing is trying to get everything typed out before you forget all the good stuff you have going on in your head.  I've had a lot going on in my head for a number of months now and I've been putting off writing them down because as soon as I put my laptop in my lap, my mind wanders off to the Gilligan's Island theme song or some other silly path.  So tonight I was perusing Facebook and again, putting off writing my thoughts down when I saw that Ted Cruz was suspending his campaign after losing badly in Indiana.  I decided it's time.

Right here is where I will say that the rest of this post will be mostly directed at Christians.  While others may get something out of this, I wanted to be upfront with anyone reading this as to where it's going.  I won't feel bad if you stop reading here.  Remember, you've been warned!  I may get preachy!

I've watched in curious amazement with how Donald Trump has been successful in his bid for the President of the United States.  Here's a guy that's pretty brash, says what he wants, is not afraid to offend anyone and frankly, can be kind of rude.  While he's not my first choice, nor was he my second choice, I've noticed something that his presence in the race has done.  It has brought strife into all circles of life, but here I'm concentrating on the Christian circle.

Strife if defined as "Bitter, sometimes violent conflict or dissension; An act of contention.  Fight, Struggle".  What better way for Satan to get at Christians than a good political battle!  While I firmly believe a Godly man would be good for our Country, I also don't think a non-Godly man need be terrible for our Country.  Now please know that I am not blaming Mr. Trump for the strife I see.  While some reading this would willingly point their finger at him saying it's his fault, I disagree with this contention.  We've been heading down this path for years.  His appearing merely brought it more to fruition.

In 2 Timothy 2, the Apostle Paul wrote "But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. 24 And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, 25 in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, 26 and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will."  How many of us can claim that we've been humble and gentle in how we've been acting this political season?

Our problem in this Country is not which candidate to vote for.  It has been our blatant disregard of God and His Word.  In the last 150 years we've been purposely blocking him out.  It's been a long slow process, but We The People have been the ones doing it.  Take the Ivy league schools for instance.  Did you know that these were all started by Christians?  Harvard, Yale, Princeton, all started by Christians and slowly, God was pushed out of those schools and now, God is not accepted on campus.  Shoot, you can't hardly bring a mildly conservative speaker on campus!

So fast forward to 2016 and the election process.  I am amazed at how many Christians aren't considering God's role in elections.  Oh, they think they do.  And they are partially correct, however many are omitting His presence in the process.  I can't tell you why, but I've been really comfortable through this election cycle.  I've had friends coming unglued, but I've just had this undefinable comfort.  I'm seeing God at work.  I can't quite explain it, but I'm just seeing things through a different set of eyes.  I've realized that we've been chasing after a man to fix things in this country when really it's God we need.

There are many who are predicting our doom as a country, and there is some good ammunition for that thought, however we are still a nation with many believers.  As a nation, our leaders may not be leading, but many Christian organizations are still putting missionaries out into the field.  There are still many that are preaching to the world.  God will not overlook that in my opinion.  Yes, as a country we need to be on our knees, but God told us that He would not leave us or forsake us.  I'm standing on that today.

It's been a while...

I don't know about you, but my mind is always going.  Sometimes I get some serious stuff rumbling around in my brain, but mostly it's bizarre musings that at times even I think, "Seriously dude?".  But lately it seems more and more serious (read mature adult) themes have been popping through my head.  I guess I've been feeling that I've got something to say! I've never been one to keep things in my head, but it seems I've been letting these thoughts and ideas just go to waste since I've not been writing them down.

So with that said, I'm going to resurrect this old blog of mine.  Keep your eyes open! (Like you're interested!)  But hey, if nothing else, I'll feel better knowing that I got my thoughts out of my head and written down so I can go back to them later!

Longing for civility

I was surfing the net today and saw the story of Pastor Rick Warren's son who committed suicide a couple days ago.  An unimaginable loss for the family.  His son Matthew was 27.  Reading the story, it told of how Matthew suffered from mental illness and after years of treatment, he decided to end his life.  A tragic story for any family.  What saddened me was the comments I read from people.  Going out to several different sources and going to the comments sections, I was taken aback by the incredibly callous and uncivil comments some people left!  What has this world come to?

It seems that with some people in this world, it has gone to a point where if you disagree with someone, there is no middle ground.  This is so far beyond my comprehension that I struggle to understand it.  There are many people in the political realm that I strongly disagree with, but I am still civil enough to have compassion and empathy for someone who is suffering.  I cannot fathom ever thinking "Good, they had it coming". 

I pray that this world changes.  Can't we see each other as we are?  Fellow human beings going through a stage on this planet together.  You don't have to believe as I do, but can't we just get along?  Agree to disagree?

I long for civility.

An open letter to my children

To my children,

When I first married your mother, having children was not yet in the front of my mind.  I guess the thought of having a child wasn’t a real thought, but more of a possibility that it could happen some day.  Then one day I received a phone call while at work.  It was your mother calling to tell me that she was pregnant.  

I recall the conversation, or lack thereof, very well.  I was somewhat in shock, not knowing what to say or how to react.  Your mother was very excited and I didn't know what to say.  I sat on the phone in silence while Mom was questioning my happiness with the news!  After assuring her I was happy as well, I hung up and sat down at my work station.

I worked in a department where I was the only guy.  There were about 40 people in my immediate area and I was the only dude!  Not only was I the only guy, I was by far the youngest, with most of the ladies in the department 35 and older.  I was 20.  

After sitting down, the lady behind me asked if everything was OK.  She apparently picked up on my body language while on the phone.  I turned around and told her quietly that your Mom was pregnant.  Not expecting it to go any further, she proceeded to turn around to the entire department and loudly announce that I was going to be a father!  The place erupted in shrieks and howls.  It was then that it hit me.  The happiness of the thought of becoming a father started to sink in.  I was going to be a dad.

So nine months later Emily, you were born.  Standing in the hospital room holding you, marveling in the thought that you were a creation that I was a part of was quite overwhelming.  The amount of love I felt was beyond what I had ever experienced before.  There was also a large amount of pride to have such a beautiful daughter.  And then it was time to take you home...

The drive home was a long one.  You cried the entire time.  I'll admit that this was a bit unnerving!  While going through the pregnancy period, your thoughts of parenthood are all blue sky and puppies!  There are no hard times!!!  So what's up with this? We got home and calmed you down and proceeded to "show you off" to friends and family.  It was a pretty cool time.  

You grew and we adjusted, mostly, and you know what happened when you were 10 months old.  I don't need to go into the details as you know them already, but it was a really trying time for me and your mom.  We had already been under a lot of stress because I had lost my job shortly after you were born and the new job I had was not paying well, so money was pretty tight.  The combination of a low paying job and missing hours because I was at the hospital with you only compounded the issue.  You came through that time beautifully and courageously and soon it was time for a sibling.

Christina, you came into the world in perfect harmony with your personality.  Full of energy and ready to go!  It was only 45 minutes from the time we arrived at the hospital to the time you were born!  And in the fashion typical for you, at 1 day old you were trying to hold your head up!  Already trying to be involved to see what was going on!  

Bringing you home was a little easier than it was for your sister.  Mainly because we had some experience in dealing with a baby.  I've often told your sister that she was the "guinea pig".  It's part of the deal when you are a first born.  The 3 of us adjusted pretty well to having you in the home.  Your sister was very proud to be a big sister.  She was a very protecting and mothering big sister.

You two grew and matured and handled the family changes very well.  Your mother and I were very proud of you two.  You were both very good children.  While there were challenges along the way, there is no father more proud of his children than I am of you two.

A number of years later, we were once again blessed with a child.  Jeremiah, you joined the family on Christmas Day.  Our best Christmas present ever!  While your sisters have both reached adulthood, you are still in your teens, still growing into a man.  You have a wonderful heart and I look forward to watching you grow into that man.

Looking back over the past 26 years of being a father, I can't help to feel an incredibly vast ocean of emotions.  As a parent, you have a vision of how things should be, but life has a way of happening and changing that vision.  While I have no regrets, I do have many disappointments in my own life.  

I find it difficult to put into words, but as a parent, you want to do everything you can for your child.  To give them everything they want, to protect them from all hurts and to never let them experience disappointment.  Now we all know that this is not reality.  We all know that kids need to experience some "bad things" in life as it is part of growing up, but that doesn't mean that is doesn't hurt the parent.  There is no pain that I have ever experienced that is greater than the pain of disappointing your child.  

The problem with life is that there is no "do over" button.  What's been done has been done.  We can only learn from our past.  The problem with making mistakes while bringing up children is that you can't go back and correct it.  I mean, as an adult, if you make a mistake you can move on from that mistake, explain to the people involved etc.  As a child you are in a development mode.  Kind of like a clay pot.  While new and soft, it can be molded and shaped, but if the artist makes a mistake and dents the soft clay, it can forever stay in that pot.  The pot may still be beautiful after the clay hardens, but it will forever have that dent.

I have always tried my best as your father.  I know I have not been perfect and God knows I've made my mistakes.  I only wish my mistakes would not have affected you.  I was not always the most savvy financier and learned late in life how to manage my finances.  This is one area where I have great regret in not being able to help you as much as I have wanted.  Considering life does not have a "do over" button and since I am fresh out of highly modified DeLorean's, I can only say I am sorry.  I wish I could do so much more for you.

I believe that people can continually improve if they choose to.  I am always trying to improve myself and I strive to be a better person.  I am truly thankful that the three of you are so loving and forgiving and I will always try to be there for you.  I will always love the three of you.

Dad

I still believe

I am a Christian.  Please don't misunderstand what I mean when I say this.  I am not saying I am perfect.  I am not saying that I know more than those who are not Christians, nor am I saying that you are wrong in your belief.  I am saying that I have chosen to make Jesus Christ the lord of my life by asking Him to come into my life.  For those who don't believe in God, this may seem a bit odd or confusing, and this may make you more confused, but I am more convinced of His existence than I am the chair I am sitting in.  I have had more deep experiences with my savior than I could ever number.  He is very real to me.  I truly believe the only reason my oldest daughter is alive today is because of God intervening in her life at 10 months old.  No one will ever convince me otherwise.

For many years I have taken on many insults and slander because of my beliefs.  It pretty much comes with the territory so you kind of get used to it.  The thing is that it seems lately my faith has come under a much greater attack than I can ever remember.  It's no longer just a mild ribbing at your beliefs, or the old bible thumper jokes, but a much more vile hatred that I see.  It seems people are no longer willing to agree to disagree. 

The funny thing is, many people don't understand what faith is.  Every one has faith in something.  My choice is faith in God.  An atheist has faith as well, it is merely directed at another source.  Take our existence for example.  We came from somewhere!  I choose to believe that we were designed by a supreme being.  Now for those already rolling their eyes, I do not believe that this Earth is only 7000 years old.  I believe no one knows for sure, but I believe it is possible that the Earth is millions of years old, but I also believe that God put man on this Earth sometime in the last 10,000 years.  Prior to that, I don't know what went on here, but I leave that up to God and that's where my faith comes in.  I believe there may have been another race here, but I don't know for sure.  The evolutionist believes that life just started somehow.  That something came from nothing.  This also takes faith to believe in considering that science tells us that something cannot come from nothing. 

So then, since we all have some kind of faith, why are we Christians persecuted for ours? 

I've had some discussions with a few atheists in my life and many are cordial, but what confuses me are the nearly violent ones.  It is like you mention God and they get violently angry!  It is almost as if they are afraid of you!  I am pretty sure I have never purposely hurt anyone having a discussion. 

So where do I go from here?  I guess I just "keep keepin' on" and pray for those that persecute me.  God said in His word that I would be persecuted and hated by all nations because of Him. Matt. 24:9  This is what I have to remember. 

My life verse is Romans 8: 38-39.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

This speaks my heart.  I still believe.  No matter what, I still believe.