An open letter to my children

To my children,

When I first married your mother, having children was not yet in the front of my mind.  I guess the thought of having a child wasn’t a real thought, but more of a possibility that it could happen some day.  Then one day I received a phone call while at work.  It was your mother calling to tell me that she was pregnant.  

I recall the conversation, or lack thereof, very well.  I was somewhat in shock, not knowing what to say or how to react.  Your mother was very excited and I didn't know what to say.  I sat on the phone in silence while Mom was questioning my happiness with the news!  After assuring her I was happy as well, I hung up and sat down at my work station.

I worked in a department where I was the only guy.  There were about 40 people in my immediate area and I was the only dude!  Not only was I the only guy, I was by far the youngest, with most of the ladies in the department 35 and older.  I was 20.  

After sitting down, the lady behind me asked if everything was OK.  She apparently picked up on my body language while on the phone.  I turned around and told her quietly that your Mom was pregnant.  Not expecting it to go any further, she proceeded to turn around to the entire department and loudly announce that I was going to be a father!  The place erupted in shrieks and howls.  It was then that it hit me.  The happiness of the thought of becoming a father started to sink in.  I was going to be a dad.

So nine months later Emily, you were born.  Standing in the hospital room holding you, marveling in the thought that you were a creation that I was a part of was quite overwhelming.  The amount of love I felt was beyond what I had ever experienced before.  There was also a large amount of pride to have such a beautiful daughter.  And then it was time to take you home...

The drive home was a long one.  You cried the entire time.  I'll admit that this was a bit unnerving!  While going through the pregnancy period, your thoughts of parenthood are all blue sky and puppies!  There are no hard times!!!  So what's up with this? We got home and calmed you down and proceeded to "show you off" to friends and family.  It was a pretty cool time.  

You grew and we adjusted, mostly, and you know what happened when you were 10 months old.  I don't need to go into the details as you know them already, but it was a really trying time for me and your mom.  We had already been under a lot of stress because I had lost my job shortly after you were born and the new job I had was not paying well, so money was pretty tight.  The combination of a low paying job and missing hours because I was at the hospital with you only compounded the issue.  You came through that time beautifully and courageously and soon it was time for a sibling.

Christina, you came into the world in perfect harmony with your personality.  Full of energy and ready to go!  It was only 45 minutes from the time we arrived at the hospital to the time you were born!  And in the fashion typical for you, at 1 day old you were trying to hold your head up!  Already trying to be involved to see what was going on!  

Bringing you home was a little easier than it was for your sister.  Mainly because we had some experience in dealing with a baby.  I've often told your sister that she was the "guinea pig".  It's part of the deal when you are a first born.  The 3 of us adjusted pretty well to having you in the home.  Your sister was very proud to be a big sister.  She was a very protecting and mothering big sister.

You two grew and matured and handled the family changes very well.  Your mother and I were very proud of you two.  You were both very good children.  While there were challenges along the way, there is no father more proud of his children than I am of you two.

A number of years later, we were once again blessed with a child.  Jeremiah, you joined the family on Christmas Day.  Our best Christmas present ever!  While your sisters have both reached adulthood, you are still in your teens, still growing into a man.  You have a wonderful heart and I look forward to watching you grow into that man.

Looking back over the past 26 years of being a father, I can't help to feel an incredibly vast ocean of emotions.  As a parent, you have a vision of how things should be, but life has a way of happening and changing that vision.  While I have no regrets, I do have many disappointments in my own life.  

I find it difficult to put into words, but as a parent, you want to do everything you can for your child.  To give them everything they want, to protect them from all hurts and to never let them experience disappointment.  Now we all know that this is not reality.  We all know that kids need to experience some "bad things" in life as it is part of growing up, but that doesn't mean that is doesn't hurt the parent.  There is no pain that I have ever experienced that is greater than the pain of disappointing your child.  

The problem with life is that there is no "do over" button.  What's been done has been done.  We can only learn from our past.  The problem with making mistakes while bringing up children is that you can't go back and correct it.  I mean, as an adult, if you make a mistake you can move on from that mistake, explain to the people involved etc.  As a child you are in a development mode.  Kind of like a clay pot.  While new and soft, it can be molded and shaped, but if the artist makes a mistake and dents the soft clay, it can forever stay in that pot.  The pot may still be beautiful after the clay hardens, but it will forever have that dent.

I have always tried my best as your father.  I know I have not been perfect and God knows I've made my mistakes.  I only wish my mistakes would not have affected you.  I was not always the most savvy financier and learned late in life how to manage my finances.  This is one area where I have great regret in not being able to help you as much as I have wanted.  Considering life does not have a "do over" button and since I am fresh out of highly modified DeLorean's, I can only say I am sorry.  I wish I could do so much more for you.

I believe that people can continually improve if they choose to.  I am always trying to improve myself and I strive to be a better person.  I am truly thankful that the three of you are so loving and forgiving and I will always try to be there for you.  I will always love the three of you.

Dad

I still believe

I am a Christian.  Please don't misunderstand what I mean when I say this.  I am not saying I am perfect.  I am not saying that I know more than those who are not Christians, nor am I saying that you are wrong in your belief.  I am saying that I have chosen to make Jesus Christ the lord of my life by asking Him to come into my life.  For those who don't believe in God, this may seem a bit odd or confusing, and this may make you more confused, but I am more convinced of His existence than I am the chair I am sitting in.  I have had more deep experiences with my savior than I could ever number.  He is very real to me.  I truly believe the only reason my oldest daughter is alive today is because of God intervening in her life at 10 months old.  No one will ever convince me otherwise.

For many years I have taken on many insults and slander because of my beliefs.  It pretty much comes with the territory so you kind of get used to it.  The thing is that it seems lately my faith has come under a much greater attack than I can ever remember.  It's no longer just a mild ribbing at your beliefs, or the old bible thumper jokes, but a much more vile hatred that I see.  It seems people are no longer willing to agree to disagree. 

The funny thing is, many people don't understand what faith is.  Every one has faith in something.  My choice is faith in God.  An atheist has faith as well, it is merely directed at another source.  Take our existence for example.  We came from somewhere!  I choose to believe that we were designed by a supreme being.  Now for those already rolling their eyes, I do not believe that this Earth is only 7000 years old.  I believe no one knows for sure, but I believe it is possible that the Earth is millions of years old, but I also believe that God put man on this Earth sometime in the last 10,000 years.  Prior to that, I don't know what went on here, but I leave that up to God and that's where my faith comes in.  I believe there may have been another race here, but I don't know for sure.  The evolutionist believes that life just started somehow.  That something came from nothing.  This also takes faith to believe in considering that science tells us that something cannot come from nothing. 

So then, since we all have some kind of faith, why are we Christians persecuted for ours? 

I've had some discussions with a few atheists in my life and many are cordial, but what confuses me are the nearly violent ones.  It is like you mention God and they get violently angry!  It is almost as if they are afraid of you!  I am pretty sure I have never purposely hurt anyone having a discussion. 

So where do I go from here?  I guess I just "keep keepin' on" and pray for those that persecute me.  God said in His word that I would be persecuted and hated by all nations because of Him. Matt. 24:9  This is what I have to remember. 

My life verse is Romans 8: 38-39.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

This speaks my heart.  I still believe.  No matter what, I still believe.

The beginning of the end?

I've noticed something happening during my lifetime.  There has been a slow moving change in the attitude of people in America.  A change in the attitude of entitlement.  Many people want things given to them.  While this attitude has been around forever, it seems to be growing in intensity lately.

I came to the revelation of this problem recently while surfing the Google App store for my Android phone.  I was looking for a specific app and part of my process in looking for an app is to read the reviews people have left.  This can be very helpful in determining the value of an app, or if the app is buggy, etc.  One thing in the reviews that has become a glaring example of my previous thought is the number of reviews I have read where people are complaining that an app is not free.  There is a recurring attitude in the reviews I have read that people believe they should be able to have all the apps for their phone for free.  I can't help but think "why"?  Why should someone spend their time and effort on something to simply give it to you?

Now don't get me wrong.  I am all about charity and helping the needy, but many with this attitude are not needy, but merely want something without working for it.  I see this as a troubling trend for our country.  This country was built on a strong ethic.  Pioneers who believed they could build their own future.

This attitude falls into the thinking of the Occupy Wall Street (OWS) movement.  People believing that the "1%" people should take care of the other 99%.  A "share the wealth" concept.  This seems nice in theory, but it is not practical.  I recall watching an interview with an OWSer a few weeks ago and it was rather troubling.  This man felt that someone should give him a big screen TV. (Seriously!)  When asked why someone should give him a TV, he answered "Because I want one!"  He went on to explain how utopian society would work.  It's as simple as this.  Some guy has the knowledge of how to build a TV, and he would build a TV for someone, and the receiver of the TV could say, give this guy a chicken, or a belt buckle.  The problem is that the lazy person is still lazy.  He wouldn't have a chicken, because he has an attitude of entitlement.

We have rich people in this country and we have poor people.  The poor don't need handouts, they need assistance.  They need help to be self-sufficient.  It's the entrepreneur that makes this country tick and we need to stop penalizing success.  People also need to stop the attitude of entitlement and remember that you need to work for what you get.

If this country is going to continue to prosper in the future, then we need to stop coveting our neighbor's things and be willing to put forth the effort it takes to succeed.  We live in a great country.  Opportunities still abound...for those willing to work for them.  Let's not forget the pioneering spirit that made this country great.

In 1787, Scottish History Professor Alexander Tyler said the following about Democracies. (Emphasis mine)

"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always vote for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship."

"The average age of the world's greatest civilizations from the beginning of history has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, those nations always progressed through the following sequence:

1. From bondage to spiritual faith;
2. From spiritual faith to great courage;
3. From courage to liberty;
4. From liberty to abundance;
5. From abundance to complacency;
6. From complacency to apathy;
7. From apathy to dependence;
8. From dependence back into bondage"

Our nation is going on 250 years and from what I can see, we are at stage 7.  I pray we wake up and that this is not the beginning of the end.

Time travel

It's funny how the mind works.  Today the weather is cool and breezy so after I got home from work, I opened all the windows in the house, changed into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and laid down on my bed to relax for a few minutes.  As soon as the breeze blew over my legs, I was instantly at my Grandma's house, on the day bed on her front porch in the summer of 1975. 

Grandma had a great front porch.  It was enclosed, but fully surrounded with windows.  The porch faced the east so evening sun was on the other end of the house.  It was always cooler on that front porch.  Grandma didn't have air conditioning so you learned to really appreciate that porch. 

Grandma's house circa 2010

In the summer, us kids could go up and spend a week at Grandma's house.  We LOVED this time at Grandma's.  While she lived in an older neighborhood in a small town, there were other kids in the neighborhood that we could play with, as well as some cousins.  On the days when the other kids weren't around, or when I was just wore out, I would relax on that front porch with all the windows open.  The breeze would come through the windows, lightly caressing my body, putting me into a relaxed state.  Like today. 

Laying there relaxing today I started thinking about those times up at Grandma's house.  You see, my Mom was a bit uptight and worried about everything, so to get away for a week was wonderful.  It was a new freedom, albeit temporary.  Grandma was pretty laid back with us grandkids.  As long as we were home for meals and home before dark, we could pretty much be on our own!  Ahh, it was awesome!  Freedom can come sparingly as a child and I really loved those times up at Grandma's. 

Grandma sold her house around 1977 and moved down to the cities, thus ending my summer times away, but I will always cherish those times. 

My hope

I took a little road trip this past weekend with Julie and two of our kids.  We went up to see her parents for a quick visit.  They're both getting up there in age so we think it's important to see them when we can, which is not often enough. 

So we were on our way home when Brad Paisley came up on the shuffle of the MP3 player.  The song that came on was "When I Get Where I'm Going".  This song gets me every time.  As a Christian, I believe in an after life and I believe I will get to see those who have left this earth before me.  The part of the song that really hits me hard is when he sings "I'm gonna walk with my grandaddy and he'll match me step for step and I'll tell him how I missed him every minute since he left. Then I'll hug his neck." 

While both of my grandfathers died before I was born so I never knew them, my father died way too young.  I was 33 when he died.  My dad had a stroke about 6 years before he died that left him partially paralyzed on his left side.  This obviously affected his ability to walk.  He walked very slow after his stroke.  Whenever I hear this song at this point, I get choked up remembering how my dad struggled to walk and I think that when I see him again, he'll match me step for step.  And I'll tell him how I missed him every minute since he left and then I'll hug his neck. 

I don't dwell on the past, nor do I wallow in self pity at the loss of my parents and other loved ones.  In fact, I have never gone to any loved ones grave site.  My reason is because they are not there!  The grave only holds their bones.  What I do find is that I miss their company.  The conversations.  The friendship.  My dad and I had a very close relationship.  While he was my father and I was his son, we were also good friends.  It's those times like today when you remember how much you miss someone.  And so I take comfort in the thought of the future I believe in. 

That is my hope.  My hope of a new beginning.  That's what I cling to when I see all the evil in the world.  Like the first line of the last verse, "So much pain and so much darkness in this world we stumble through.  All these questions I can't answer, so much work to do." 

A little bit of yourself.

Relationships are a funny thing.  I was thinking about how we all intermingle with each other to create individual, unique relationships with one another.  It got me to thinking about all the different jobs I've had in my life (I've had a lot!) and all the people I've met in my nearly 47 years and how many relationships I've had/have.  I like making friends and having fun, but I'm the kind of person that trusts almost too easily, and this can be a bad thing. 

Some people are pretty reserved, slow to get into a relationship, some people seem to be a bit wary while others give almost no thought at all about jumping into a relationship.  Me, I may not jump right into a relationship, but I tend to be a "benefit of the doubt" type of person, thinking that the other person would not mean me any harm.  This has gotten me into trouble many times.  I find out too late that the other person was only looking out for themselves. 

The other day I said something to a friend that was meant to help, but my friend took it as insulting, thinking I was being patronizing.  This was the furthest thing from my mind.  I apologized for my comment and tried to explain, but my friend shut me off.  I really felt unjustly convicted of a crime I didn't commit.  I hate that feeling.  I would never purposely hurt anyone.  I like people to like me.  It's my personality!  If someone doesn't like me, I keep thinking, "Why don't they like me?  What can I do to change that?" 

The following morning we were able to talk things out and all is good, but it got me to thinking.  Why did it hurt me so much?  Seriously, I was miserable.  I've known some people that couldn't give two hoots about what others think of them.  Frankly I've never understood how those people do that.  It seems impossible to me.  So what's different? 

I think it boils down to what I mentioned earlier.  It's what we put into the relationship.  If you put yourself into a relationship, you are putting a piece of your character into that relationship.  I look at it in the way it hurts when you stub your toe.  You know how much that hurts and it seems to resonate pain throughout your whole body?  Why?  It's only your little toe!  Much like that, but on the emotional side, you have a part of yourself in that relationship and when it gets struck, it stings.  And it seems, the more you put in, the more it can hurt when it goes wrong. Some people never put much of themselves in while others jump in yelling "CANNONBALL!!!".  It's us cannonballers that are the most susceptible. 

It seems the more you care, the more you give of yourself and the more at risk you are for pain.  But on the flip side, you are much more apt to have a very rewarding friendship.  That's why I treasure long relationships, because there is so much more of me in there!  That may seem self centered, but it's not.  It's the amount of me I'm willing to expose, to engulf in this relationship. 

I believe that God has blessed me with an innate ability to "get along" with people.  If you had to classify me, I would be the proverbial "people person".  There have been times I've questioned whether this is a blessing or a curse, but I know better.  I try to leave a mark wherever I go.  If I can leave a smile on someones face, it makes me happy.  Trying to leave a bit of happiness.  A little bit of myself.

It ain't easy...

Ugh.  That's what's on my mind right now.  Mainly because I have a lot on my heart and mind and what's sitting there is a touchy subject.  So how do I breach this subject?  To anyone reading this, take warning.  This is not an easy note for me to write and may cause offense to those of differing views.  It is downright painful to me, but I see many in the world going to hell and frankly, it scares me.

I read an article where Pastor Rick Warren was interviewed recently and the subject matter was same sex marriage.  Therein lies the touchy subject.  This subject leads to a deeper touchy subject, that being modern Christianity in general.

I'm not here to judge anyone, but as I interpret what I understand as the truth of God's word, there are many "Christians" out there not living a Christian life.  So here is my dilemma.  I believe God's word where it says in Matthew 18:15 that if your brother sins, bring it to their attention so that they will turn from it.  The problem is that in verse 17, it says that if they refuse to listen, treat them as you would a non-Christian.  I read that as losing friends.  It's a tough sell, but I think God was also trying to make a point.  Sin is serious.  Serious enough to warrant losing a friend over.

At the same time, God wants us to be Gentle as Paul writes in 2 Timothy 2:24-25.  We are to be kind to everyone, not resentful.  Verse 25 states that "opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth..."

This has been on my mind for some time now.  Struggling with the right words to say.  It's especially difficult when it is someone close to you.  Someone you love dearly that you see walking down the wrong path and you know that saying the wrong thing can cause a divide not easily mended.

I struggle for words then I read 2 Timothy 4:1-5.  ^"1 In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge: ² Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. ³ For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. ⁴ They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. ⁵ But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry"

We as Christians are to "Preach the Word, correct, rebuke and encourage" and we are to do it with great patience and careful instructions.  I believe Paul wrote it this way to say "Don't torque people off".  So how do I tell the ones I love that they need to stop sinning without losing a relationship with them?  At the same time, Paul tells us part of the problem.  They are allowing themselves to be convinced that what they are doing is "OK", finding someone out there to condone their sinful behavior.  All the while, someone like me gets painted as judging.  I guess that puts me in the same category as Rick Warren.  Unpopular.

I have had a number of friends that get in a relationship and start living with their friend.  Not married and living together in my eyes is a sin.  I am not judging anyone, but from what I've read in God's word, sex is for after marriage.  So seeing as how where there's smoke, there's fire, I would assume people living together are also having sex. This falls into the category of gay marriage.  God's design is for a man to leave his father and mother and unite with his wife, to become one.   

I've seen many people claiming to be Christian and at the same time promoting homosexuality and gay marriage.  God called homosexuality detestable in Leviticus 18:22.  In the first chapter of Romans, Paul tells us about God's wrath, stating that God gave them (Sinful Humanity) over to shameful lusts. It says that "even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones.  In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error."  I read this to say that it's wrong and a sin. 

God said in Hosea 4 that His people "perish for their lack of knowledge".  I find that a profound statement.  I read that to mean that people die because they didn't know better, or because they refused to learn.  All through the Bible you will find God telling His people to remember, knowing how easily we would forget Him.  If you've ever studied the Old Testament, you will begin to see how quickly His people forgot what He did for them.  How He has patience with us I will never understand.

So I pray.  Asking God for wisdom and guidance and all the while, it seems all I hear is that I need to stand my ground.  To stand up for what I believe is right.  And at the risk of losing a friend, or alienating a family member, I need to do what's right.  I don't claim to have all the answers.  That's never been my point, but I would feel remiss if I didn't say something.

I know someday I will stand before God in judgment and I need to know that I did what I thought was right in His eyes.  When He asks me what I did with my life, I want to be able to answer Him that I did what I knew how.  And when He asks me where my children are, I want to be able to tell Him, "following You".